TIPS AND TRICKS WHEN MEETING THE EX's

Sadly statistics today show that 1 in 3 marriages or relationships end in separation. 1 in 3! What happened to all those promises made? To love, to cherish, in sickness and in health till death do us part?? What went wrong?

I was not sure if I was going to write this column, but my fingers are itching to tell you something, which I am sure a lot of you can relate to. I remember that when my own mum felt threatened in a conversation she would immediately switch on, to what she called, her ‘Queen Anne voice’ and say: ‘Are you talking to me?’ or sometimes ‘who do you think you are talking to?’ It worked every time.

There are too many break-up’s in relationships these days that a lot of people reach the moment when – they are confronted by the ex-partner (male or female) and usually at the moment when they least expect it.

Well, here are a few tips and tricks on how to deal with situations in which you, your new partner, the ex and their partner don’t really feel comfortable in at all and how to cope and not end up feeling like a gibberish idiot or having a slanging match in a public space!

First of all remind yourself that the previous relationship ended for a reason and there is a long list of things you can think about here.

Also think about the fact that you choose your new partner too for a reason. And keep that in mind before starting any type of conversation with the ex’s.

Of course you all know it is inevitable that there will be a moment when you all meet up, especially if children are involved in the break-up equation. In this case there is and can be only one goal. To make life for the children as smooth as possible. It is a big issue for them! Later on they will thank you and be impressed that you were able to deal with one another in a polite and sociable way. Believe me they will, as grown-ups be grateful. There is absolutely no point whatsoever in making them the victims. Remember in most cases children stay with their mothers, so just stop and think for one small moment how it is for the fathers. Irrespective of who ended the relationship.

But when the 'meeting each other moment' finally arrives KEEP CALM! This is very important, don’t blush, get flustered and just say the first thing that comes into your mouth, take a deep breath and THINK before you speak.

If you are lucky enough to be fluent in another language this is a great way to make someone feel ‘off guard’. Very handy it gives you more time to think what you want to say and puts you in an advantageous position to start off. Takes the ‘wind out of their sails’ immediately! This is something I know I do myself, being fluent in two languages (fine that one of them just happens to be my mother tongue, English, but it is a great asset).

Remember that if you are in public place, that literally everyone will love to listen to a barrage of words, so keep it short and sweet. Everyone will be wanting to hear every single word, so a busy restaurant will suddenly become deathly silent and people may even stop chewing their food, just to catch the full conversation especially if one of you is well known there.

Be polite, shake someone’s hand, say words like: ‘Lovely to meet you’ whether you mean it or not. In the majority of cases your new partner (and the ex’s new partner) will keep their own mouths firmly shut, squirm about in their seats and probably think: ‘what is the best and fastest way to make an exit?’

But by keeping calm and very important keeping control of the conversation, you know you have the upper hand. Also keep your gaze focussed and eye people up and down. You may be wondering (and this is probably very true, what on earth your partner ever saw in their ex), they are definitely asking themselves the same question about you believe me.

Even though an ex may make a sharp or even rude comment, don’t take the bait, don’t lower yourself to a level you don’t really want to be on. Just breathe and think before saying anything. It does not have to turn into a battle of words, keep it ‘short and sweet’ and if you really feel unhappy and uncomfortable then cut the conversation and leave, as gracefully as you can. A great phrase to use is: ‘Be Nice’! They will not expect you to say this at all and it gives you a moment in time whilst they contemplate your words.

When you get outside and suddenly feel you might collapse on the floor, because after all it was stressful and even though you feel you dealt with it appropriately, just remember this fact: their relationship did not work, otherwise they would still be together! You are in a new situation and you made a definite choice for a new partner. Remind yourself of this and when you feel confident enough, stride off with panache … and then go and treat yourself to something nice (like a large Gin and Tonic). No seriously not trying to make anyone into an alcoholic and encourage everyone to dive into a bottle for comfort … but do something that you like to do. Have a shopping spree or literally anything that gives you a ‘feel good moment’ about yourself. Hopefully your new partner is paying you a lot of attention and thanking you for your impeccable behaviour in a tricky/awkward situation. (I sincerely hope so).

Of course there will be normal people who can deal with their ex and in a grown up and pleasant way. I have not met many to be honest but that is what I would strive for. To be seen as courteous, even though you may be thinking something completely different, and polite (even though you may be wanting to say F... Off!) and rise above the whole occasion. Leave with the feeling that you are the winner! And that everyone who is looking at you thinks the same too!

Long term this is so much better and less stressful. For you, for them and anyone else involved!

Then stop any further discussion with your new partner. There is absolutely no point on going over the conversation again, totally pointless. Just give one another a big hug and move on and carry on with the things you had planned for the day. You all know that this is something that is going to happen sometime, so isn’t it better to be prepared and come out of things feeling strong and positive?

Later remind yourself you are the one they chose! You are the one they broke off their previous relationship to be with. Stand tall, be strong and most important, rise above it all.

And then give yourself a big pat on the back for coping so well!!